During this holiday, I received much useful advice from my closest friend and family members about why it is important to spend time with my family. One of the stories deeply touched my heart and mind. Through this story, I learned valuable lessons about life, regret and sympathy. Also how sick patients feel about death and how they prepare for it. Therefore, I would like to share this story with you.
The sad story was shared with me by my special friend. Ten years ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and went through two surgeries to remove these tumors. Two years ago, the doctor found the cancer had returned and some new tumors had formed. The doctor also predicted that she only had a few years to live. She was not surprised by the news because her sister had lost her life to this disease last February. Her mother also passed away one year before her sister due to other illnesses. The loss of family members had not affected her cancer treatment and she hoped that she would feel better one day. Even though her cancer is currently under control, the treatment has affected other organs of her body such as her brain, kidney and liver. She is constantly in pain, and recently, her memory has begun to decay. Sometimes, she cannot remember things, conversations, and the street to her house. Doctors have ordered some tests on her brain, such as MRI, SCAN, and XRAY, to determine the root cause of these symptoms but the result have been inconclusive. She now lives in a state where she is prepared to die at any time. Could you image yourself living in this state? Have you ever wondered how you would feel if you lived in this hopeless state? Could you live without a dream? What would you do?
For the last nine months, my friend has traveled to many states and countries to visit her family members for the last time. She also has spent as much time with her family, two children, grandchildren, and twelve sisters and brothers in Texas, as she possibly can. This Christmas, she wanted travel to Colorado to visit me and my family but she could not come because her doctor advised her not to. The remaining half of her lung might not survive the cold weather and she could die. She called me once a week to update her health conditions and family. We talked for hours. She explained what went through her mind when she learned about her illness. She was scared of dying but then she realized that no one on this earth can escape death. Death is one of the stages in the cycle of life. If one makes peace with death then it will come naturally and won’t be scary any more. Also if one believes that death is the way to end this miserable life then one would gladly accept it. No one wants to die nor are they willing to face the fact of death; therefore, these ideals would not come to their mind easily. Death is always on the elders ‘minds so they usually worry about what will happen to their family if they die; however teenagers typically never consider this issue. My friend is constantly worrying about what will happen to her family emotionally when she dies. She is trying to prepare her family to deal with her sickness and potential death every day. Have you ever tried to prepare your family to deal with your death before? I would hope you never have gone through this sad and emotional process. It wouldn’t be easy to say “I am dying” to your family members, especially your children.
We become scared, panicked and worried if a member of our family becomes ill. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not taking good care of that person. We never think of illness as part of our cycle of life. The cycle of life are consists of birth, growth, sickness and death. We also never consider how the sick patient feels and what is on their mind. We do not realize that our actions and reactions have a strong impact on patient behavior and the recovery process as well. My friend said, “The pain on my family member’s face is hurting me more than the pain I feel in my body.” This sentence has reminded me of my own experience. A few months ago, when my uncle was sick, I immediately felt angry, scared and blamed myself for not taking good care of his health, even though I knew in my heart that I was not responsible for his illness. I wanted to understand the root causes of his heart failure and cough. I was always stressed out and worried when his Coumadin test results were not normal. I hid my truth feelings and fear from him. I noticed that my uncle was worried and depressed about his illness but I didn’t know how much. Have you ever thought about long term care for yourself? What should we do if a member of our family has an illness that requires long term care and support? If we have a lot of money then we would hire a home care nurse to take of this patient. Unfortunately, we are not millionaires; money is limited. We have to work to support ourselves and pay the bills. As a result, we don’t have time to take care of a sick patient and the patient usually ends up in hospital care or a nursing home. After the patient’s death, we will regret this decision. We will be unhappy and feel sorry when we witness how much pain the patient has to suffer.
My friend shared with me the story of how her family dealt with their mother long term illness. What tough decisions they had to make in the last minute. How they felt about their decision after their loving mother funeral. Six years ago, my friend’s mother was really ill and required 24 hours care. Everyone in her family decided to send their mom to a nursing home because they could not take care of their mother. Their mom cried and begged them not to send her to hospital care and she promised not to bother them anymore. For three days she begged her children to let her live with them and see her grandchildren, but nothing could change her children’s minds and she had no other choice rather than to accept their decision. On the moving day, she was sad and cried. For the first three months, her children took turns to come to visit her once a day and then after that once a week. However, no one realized that their mom was constantly depressed and sad. She also felt lonely and a burden to her children. Every night, she cried herself to sleep. Her recover process was not improved. Her memory began to fade after one year in nursing care. She could not remember any of her children. Her children were strangers to her, so they only came to visit her a few times a year, for her birthday and holidays. Her children thought that their mom could not recognize them; therefore, they did not want to waste any more time. A year later she slipped into a coma and her children only came when there was an urgent message from nurses or doctors. On Valentine Day of 2009, she asked to see all her children for the last time and said, “I love you all”. That night, she passed away. They learned how their mom survived her last five years of her life when a nurse shared her story at the funeral. The funeral woke up her children from their selfishness and they regretted their decision. There was nothing they could do to reverse their decision because the time had passed. They realized that it was too late to fix their mistake. However, they hope that you and I will avoid making the same mistake as they did.
Tears dropped on my friend’s cheek each time she drove by the nursing home where her mom had stayed. Also each time she saw an elderly lady go to the church, shopping or celebrating with family, she was sad. She told me if god gave her a second chance with her mom she would do differently. Also if she could trade all the money that she had for one day with her mom she would be happy to do it.
The best Christmas gift that I received this year was her advice on how to care for, love and spend time family and friends. Money cannot buy time and love. Money is only a survival tool for us on this earth but it is worth nothing to us when we die. However, love will cherish us and live in the hearts of our friends and family forever. The time we spend with someone will create a special memory in their heart and mind. This memory will last forever in their mind. We will feel lonely if we have no one to love and care for. I hope this story will help you understand why it is important to spend more time with your family and friends.
